This is going to be a long one, guys.
Ever heard the phrase “Sometimes holding on does more damage than letting go”?
Not only is it powerful and thought-provoking, but it’s true. Unfortunately, I’ve had two instances where I was the direct subject in each situation: My father and a former “boyfriend”.
The Father Story…
Now let me just begin by saying my father is and has always been in my life. I saw him all the time. He’s an excellent provider and cares truly for his loved ones. Like every one of us, unfortunately, he also has his points of weakness. The areas in which he slacks. He was present physically, but he wasn’t fully there mentally and emotionally. He is a father but he isn’t a daddy.
My father knew I was well-kept. My father fed me, clothed me, and sheltered me. My father took me to the movies, out to eat, and gave me money. My daddy didn’t nurture me. My daddy didn’t get me things in my favorite color, just because. My daddy didn’t come to any of my performances as a Hip-Hop dancer. My daddy didn’t teach me lessons and preach wise words to me. I later realized, not only was my father just not “that kind of person”, he didn’t know how. He wasn’t taught how to nurture and do those things. I don’t blame my father for not knowing, though. I do blame him for not making an effort to try to be more nurturing and guiding. Why didn’t he attempt to change for the better and become a daddy when he knew he had children on the way? I’m the youngest of 5 girls – he had 4 tries to get it straight before me. Now I have no clue if my sisters feel the same or not because they NEVER mention it and just don’t pay him any mind, but I do mind. Did he ever care? Did it ever cross his mind to possibly become a daddy knowing he was a father? If so, what stumped him? Didn’t I deserve an explanation?
Anyway, over the years, I constantly (and constantly, and constantly) tried to build that father-daughter bond between us. Each and every time, I was failed. There was always something more important. Materials were supposed to fill that gap though. Money was supposed to be a sealant. Did that work for him? Did money repair the emotional damage he experienced?
By no means am I, him, or my family rich or wealthy. We never have been. My father was simply in a well-enough position where he had enough funds to live comfortably at the time and offer money when times weren’t the best. Those times have passed. What does he have to offer me now – especially now that I’m older and have a job of my own that supports what I need it to for the time being? What do you have now, father?
And the follow-up question: What do you even do now that I don’t care to want whatever it is you have to offer?
I’ve let go. I’ve grown exhausted and tiresome of trying. I’m all out of trials. I’ve released because it was doing more damage holding on than it was to simply just let go.
The “Boyfriend” Story…
Ok ladies, now that the serious story is out the way, we can release, take a breather and laugh this one out. ‘Cus buddy was cray!
Oh, this guy… I put the word boyfriend in quotation marks because we never really validated ourselves as boyfriend-girlfriend for personal, and now looking back, seemingly unclear reasons. We called ourselves “talking” but it was much deeper than that, unfortunately. (LOLOL moment)
I used to talk to this guy, we’ll call him Keith for identity protection purposes, who, unbeknownst to me at the time, was not the best communicator. I mean, there isn’t even a real evolution portion to this experience and time with Keith. Keith was just so emotionally unstable, it was ridiculous. I’d disagree with him on the most simple and careless topic. He’d huff and he’d puff and he’d just blow the whole damn house down, sis. We could have some kind of argument and everything that we “went through” would be posted and most definitely shaded towards me on social media. I hated that his outlet was either an extreme dramatic case of Bitchism or social media. Why did Facebook need to know what was going on in our relationship? I mean, I HATED that form of expression. Every time I brought it up, there goes the huffing. Then, there goes the puffing. Finally, there’s the house getting blown down. His anger was so extreme and emotional that he would threaten suicide. (DON’T BE ALARMED!) I used to be so scared for his life (and mine) when he acted out in such ways and stated crazy things relating to killing himself. I later found that he was never going to do any of the things he threatened to do. Keith wanted the attention his acting-out came with. The babying. Me to feel bad, guilty, defeated.
Keith was a lot to handle, girl. I had to get out. I drew up my extraction blueprint and put it into action! I turned into a real-life Kim Possible!
At the end of the day, I let go of what could have done severe mental and emotional damage to me in the long run. I released myself from a situation that could possibly evolve into physical abuse. I would never know, thank goodness. I had the strength to get my toosh up and leave. Not to mention, I was obviously younger than I am now and way too young to be involved in such a situation.
By the way, always know that it is NEVER your fault what someone does to themselves – mentally, emotionally, or physically.
P.S. This may be ignorant as all get out, but because of him and one other experience (that one not being a relationship as this one was, though), I vow to NEVER date this particular zodiac. Ever. Again. Again, I realize that not every guy born under this zodiac is the same, however, I rather not take any chances. Feel free to draw your own conclusions about which zodiac I am referring to but I’ll never tell. #ImDoneWithThem