noun | at – ti – tude
definition: a mental position with regard to a fact or state
Looking back, I don’t believe there was ever a time I didn’t have my attitude on standby, ready to serve up at any given moment if need be. Unfortunately, it started young – super young. I do remember being joyful and carefree in Kindergarten, however, as soon as first grade began and as far as I know after that, Brandy was put on the back-burner and this other person presented herself – for what seemed to be – permanently… until now.
Growing up, attitude has, subconsciously, been my defense mechanism. I’m guessing I realized it worked back in elementary school when I would get called ugly and other names pertaining to my looks and severe case of acne/puberty breakouts. Since then, anything that was displeasing to me almost always resulted in my anger surfacing – paired with a brewing case of major attitude. What I believe I didn’t comprehend at the time, and even today, was how come I was always the one being bothered when I hardly said a thing to anyone? How come it was me that was the go-to-pick-on person all throughout elementary school and 7th grade of middle school? Why bother someone who doesn’t bother you (or anyone), let alone even glance in your direction? What was that about? What I did comprehend was that these situations are what collectively formed my pet peeve of bothering someone or something that isn’t bothering you and/or has absolutely nothing to do with you.
Furthermore, acting out when I was told “no” to something I desired and then actually getting what I desired post acting out only fueled the growing fire within me. It’s safe to conclude that a large part of my attitude problem was a result of “spoiled” tendencies.
All in all, my attitude has – well, me ALLOWING my attitude to control my responses and reactions – has gotten me in world of trouble over the years, and even contributed to some destruction done in the few close relationships I have…that’s a tale for another time. However, I am proud to acknowledge the strength I had for it to take me to realize (1) I had an issue, (2) it was getting out of hand, and (3) I couldn’t conquer it alone. I set out to make a change (whoa, I really did just sound so cliché here) not only for myself, but for others surrounding me. I wanted to be less of a burden to both, my loved ones and my own life.