It stems from being called “Big Ugly Pimple Face” in elementary school by some of the boys in my class because I experienced acne breakouts and puberty early on and in a much different way than most children.
It stems from being reminded that I either gained weight or lost weight or lost weight and gained it back from family EVERY SINGLE TIME they saw me… Then they wonder why I stopped coming around. Why I stopped hanging out. Why I stopped attending family events. The craziest part about this situation though is that I have yet to look like them. Ever in life. Funny, isn’t it? So why be so bothered by their words? Why care so much? Well, because I’m still growing and insecure about my appearance. I still have a great deal of self-loving to experience. Even on days when I’m sure I’m a beautiful girl, when I’m sure I’m dressed to the T, when I’m sure I look pretty damn good… I have to fully love myself first before I can be fully confident in who I am, inside and out, and accept myself. By the way, if I do say so myself, I believe I can pass as “she’s pretty”. Peep the evidence below, LOL!
Moreover, ways in which my attitude has affected my relations is my mouth! I’ve literally ALWAYS been told I have a “slick mouth” – in which I agree because I do believe in common sense, so when common sense isn’t being used in any situation I see fit, I tend to be extremely sarcastic. (Yeah, you’d probably want to knock me out, too).
The worst and most detrimental part presents itself once I become annoyed or irritated with someone. At this point, I formerly allowed absolutely anything I felt toward that being to come out and in the most harming way possible. I had little to no control over how the irritation I felt inside revealed itself verbally. I spoke without further concern as to how that person felt after I said what I wanted to say because, in my mind, that person took it upon him-/herself to get on my everlasting nerves, pushing me to react the way I was reacting… and that had made my actions justifiable to me. However, this is only how I felt ‘in the moment’.
As soon as I allowed the words to come out, there was this feeling of immediate regret because I knew how hurtful my words were. Let’s not get crazy, I didn’t feel bad for that person or want to hug them afterwards because I was still annoyed to my utmost level, but I was ashamed that I actually allowed myself to go that far and, in the moment, genuinely feel as though it was ok.
All in all, I am not perfect by any means and don’t desire to be, but I am no longer this person. Not fully, at least. My counseling has done wonders and the patience of 2 special individuals near and dear to my heart has only contributed to my growth and wanting to be a better person.
Since then, my attitude hasn’t defined me… and I don’t intend for it to ever again.
P.S. In no way was I “blaming” those situations for my actions. They simply did not help and only added fuel to the fire.